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greybeard
Posted: Sunday, November 23, 2008 9:05:08 AM

Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member

Joined: 10/17/2008
Posts: 1,618
Points: 2,191
Location: Sydney Northern Beaches
Just O utstandinding K omic Essays & Stories


Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhoea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- co usin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited


Heading out for the East Coast / Lord knows I've paid some dues gettin' through, / Tangled up in blues.
c0kebloke
Posted: Sunday, November 23, 2008 3:26:18 PM
Rank: Guest
Groups: Guest

Joined: 7/15/2008
Posts: -906
Points: -30,232
Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Account: A countess' husband.

Accrue: The people who run a ship.

Acoustic: A stick used to play pool.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Asset: A little donkey.


Atheism: A non-prophet organization.


Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.


Baloney: Where some skirt hemlines fall.


Barium: What we do to most people when they die.


Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.


Benign: What you be after you be eight.


Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.


Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.


Burglarize: What a crook sees with.


Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.


Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


Classic: A book that people praise, but do not read.



Clothes dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.


Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.

College: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.


Control: A short, ugly inmate.


Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Derange: Where dee buffalo roam.


Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.


Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.


Divorce: The future tense of marriage.


Eclipse: What an Italian barber does for a living.


Egotist: Someone me-deep in conversation.


Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.


Experience: The name people give to their mistakes.


Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.


Fancy restaurant: One that serves cold soup on purpose.

Father: A banker provided by nature.


Feedback: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.


Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.


Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.


Grocery list: What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.


Handkerchief: Cold storage.

Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.


Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.


Hors d'oeuvres: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.


Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.


Independent: How we want our children to be, as long as they do everything we say.


Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


Kissing: A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.


Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.


Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.


Misty: How some golfers create divots.


Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies more.


Myth: A female moth.

Negligent: Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Normalize: 20-20 vision.

Oily: The opposite of late.


Opportunist: A person who, when they fall into a river, starts taking a bath.


Paradox: Two physicians.


Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.


Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.


Polarize: What penguins see with.


Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections, and your confidence after.


Polygon: A dead parrot.


Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.


Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.


Professor: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.


Psychologist: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.


Recliner: Mom's nickname for Dad.


Relief: What trees do in the spring.



Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.


Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.


Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Shortening: One of the important ingredients in a good sermon.

Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.


Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Stock: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.


Subdued: Like, a guy, who like, works on one of those, like, submarines.


Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government.


Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.


Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.


Vegetarian: Old Indian word for bad hunter.


Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.


Yawn: An honest opinion, openly expressed

madrag
Posted: Tuesday, December 02, 2008 5:47:07 PM
Rank: Newbie
Groups: Member

Joined: 10/17/2008
Posts: 9
Points: 60
A heart-warming story.


A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'Johnnie Walker Black Label and women with big t*ts.'
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